Dear Phone,
Hello. It’s me. No, it’s not Adele. If I was Adele, I definitely wouldn’t be talking to my phone right now. It’s just me, your friendly neighborhood blogger looking for another creative outlet to release the frustrations of life. Also, to spill the tea. Lots, and lots of tea. If you don’t understand what “spilling the tea” means, then you really haven’t helped the government spy on me. You also could have just fell asleep because I pretty much live a rather boring life. Either way, buckle up because you will be in for a rather crazy ride.
It’s only fitting that we would start from the beginning. Go back to the basics. This is pretty much going to be like a first date. Oh, you are picking up the tab btw. My name is Steven. I’m just your run of the mill 26-year-old male from Ohio. Personally, I hate Ohio. But, you probably knew that from my google searches of apartments and jobs in other locations. I like long walks on the non-existent beaches in southwestern Ohio, playing in the 3 minutes of sun, and run through the hills that aren’t alive with the sounds of music. They are filled with construction. Something in Ohio seems to always be under construction.
I’m also very much single. So until the right person comes into my life, you get the privilege of being my temporary boyfriend….just without the sex part because that’s not my thing. Yep, I’m gay. You are probably extremely shocked by this. You probably thought I was straight and had panties just falling around me by my constant searches about Nick Jonas, listening to Britney Spears on repeat, and wondering if Charlie Puth and Shawn Mendes is really dating. Spoiler: I’m 75% sure that Chawn Pendes is a thing in one way or another. You’re not the only one. Oh, this is also one of those “open” relationships as well. You will probably hear a lot about my struggles in the world of dating.
Pretty much, you get to hear all my ranting, heartbreak, frustrations, and anything else that I decided to share. You also might as well get your mind out of the gutter now, because this is going to be a PG-16 relationship. If I wanted people to know about my non-existent sex life, I would just go post on Tumblr with all the other horny people doing the same. Have you ever been on Tumblr? It’s pretty much just one big orgy of horny people who are probably too young to have it.
I also might share with you some horror stories from working five years in retail. Man, I do I have some horror stories. I also got some good life experiences from these stories. I highly recommend you avoid working in retail because it will make you hate people. I’m pretty much going to open up to you like I never have before.
Are you buckled in yet? Good, because now that we are better acquainted, it’s time to start this new chapter. Together.
Yours Truly,
Steven Kaufman
P.S. Since we are now dating, make sure you follow me on Twitter and Instagram. I’m like the social media mogul version of Tinkerbell. Just instead of people believing I exist, I need those follows to live.
Dear Phone 